And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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