nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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