im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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