You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
