I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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