You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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