be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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