I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
