I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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