Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
