she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
