A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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