I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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