Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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