dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
