did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
