And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
