Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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