My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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