New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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