i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
