Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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