I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
