Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
