I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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