At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
