Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
