Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
