My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
