Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
