Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
