I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
