You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
