You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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