The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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