i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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