thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize