so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
