you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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