If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
