I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
