I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
