Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
