you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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