It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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