Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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