I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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