I hate your face
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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