I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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