I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
