4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
