# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
