She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
