How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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