im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
